Plenty.

I think there’s a sort of post-traumatic stress that happens once you’ve survived infertility, a thought that lingers in the back of your mind that is always guarding against the tendency toward hope.

I feel it now. Because something inside is always heeding a warning.

“Remember this!” it screams out to me during bedtime snuggles or play-doh sessions or Baby Shark jams. Because something is always so conscious of the fact that this might never happen again. It is always so aware that Judah is growing and that my stomach is not.

There’s a sort of familiar feeling to it all, really. And it can transport you right back to despair. Because the “what ifs” will play through your mind. And I’m always doing the math, calculating ages and possibilities and, and, and.

The truth is that I don’t know whether infertility has clawed its way into our lives again. I don’t know what my hormones are doing or why my cycles are wonky or why that line is still blank.

But I do know that this time is different. Because I’ve seen a miracle. And that miracle, he resides in the gap between me and my fears. Because no matter what happens, there will always be Judah, and there will always be hope. 

And if that is all we are ever given, it will be plenty.

10 thoughts on “Plenty.

  1. Your words are beautiful. We share a similar journey and it’s always comforting to know we’re not alone. Thank you for reminding me.

    1. Thank you for your kind words! You’re certainly not alone. I’ll be holding you close in prayer. Please stay in touch! I’d love to walk alongside you in your journey.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this!!! It is so true, and so hard to say. We are in that place too, but have been blessed with witnessing two miracles. We fight our guardedness and choose to hope. You are in our prayers too ❤

  3. Each moment is perfect exactly as it is and the hardest lesson to learn. Leaving it all in God’s hands very hard. Yes, we need to do what we must or can and then leave it be. I see you know this and you found it out long, long before I. God Bless You and Your Family

  4. Thank you for sharing your feelings about infertility. My husband and I also struggled with infertility for years. Your story took me right back to our daily struggles with infertility. However, after receiving blessings from several priests, we were blessed with our miracle, Sarah. She is now married and a lovely young lady. We were only able to have one child but God has blessed us in so many way. I pray you are able to have another child or should I say a miracle, as each child is a gift from God. God bless you and your lovely family.

  5. Yes, this is my story too. These feelings fill my heart at this very moment. My son is almost three, miracle boy. And we know God can do it again, and we wait, but if He doesn’t, my heart will still be full. Thanks for writing this post. ❤️

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