Someday

BrittanyDavidMaternity-17

(Photo by Joy Theory Co)

 

“I can’t believe it,” he’ll say, suddenly stupefied by the fullness of my belly. “Me either,” I’ll remark with a quick pat to the midsection to authenticate the presence of life within. And we’ll stare. We’ll stare without words or pretense. We’ll stare with hope and fear and awe. We’ll stare at you.

 

And it’s in moments like this that I remember the journey.

I remember as our newly-wedded hearts confronted a barrage of the question. “When are you going to have a baby?” they’d say with curiosity dripping from their lips. We’d chuckle naively, the way young couples do, and with hope in our hearts, we’d say, “someday.”

 

I remember when our newly-wedded hearts gave way to years, and the curious questions gave way to apathy. “Are you EVER going to have a baby?” they’d say with impatience lining their tongues. We’d flounder under the weight of our silent struggle, and with hope still in our hearts, we’d say, “someday.”

 

I remember when the years gave way to tests and hormonal supplements and time, and the apathetic questions turned to silence. “Is this ever going to happen?” I’d whisper to David with the ache stuck firmly in my throat, and with a speck of hope padding his voice, he’d smile at me and say, “someday.”

 

And there were days when “someday” taunted us with disorienting heartache, always beckoning us toward it with no direction for our blows to land. But we’d swing anyway. We’d punch, and kick, and propel our bodies forward.

 

There were days when our fight was strong, when hope hurled us ahead and our hearts launched us straight into the beast. Oh, we’d give that fight everything we had in us… until we had no more fight to give. And that’s when our hope would collapse under the weight of the cyclical defeat. That’s when the tears would flow and the ache would commence. But we never stayed there long, you see. Because something inside would peer beyond the loneliness of my empty abdomen and say, “someday.”

 

I think there’s a certain type of strength that persists in your heart when you know you’re meant to be a mother. And while you wait through the fog of another negative pregnancy test, or the excruciating hold on your adoption match, you feel it there — that longing adhered down deep to your soul.

 

Follow it.

 

And when your heart is burdened by disappointment and fear, follow it anyway. Because the fight is worth it in the end, and you will be victorious… someday.

 

BrittanyDavidMaternity-21(Photo by Joy Theory Co)

 

8 thoughts on “Someday

  1. Beautiful! thanks for sharing this! my husband and I have been in this road for almost two years. Yesterday was one of those days that left you with a heartache, reading this really gives me hope, just exactly what I need to read!

  2. Hi Brittany! I followed a NaPro rabbit trail on Instagram and came across your account. I’ve read back through a handful of your posts from the last year and am so encouraged by your story. I’m currently recovering from my second laparoscopy to remove stage IV Endo, this time with a NaPro Dr. My prayer has been that after 2.5+ TTC we’ll see proof of our miracle in those two pink lines by Christmas. I can’t imagine your joy after so many years TTC. Wishing you all the best as you prepare for labor and delivery!

  3. Thanks for sharing this blog, a lot of couples including me and my husband go through this stage and he only thing that keep them clinged is the though of becoming a parent and the hope that someday the day will we come.

  4. I am inspired by your story. We really hope that this story can inspire us, as we’re trying to conceive with child this year in 2018.

  5. I’m sitting in Starbucks and trying not to all-out cry as I read this. I found your blog through Blessed Is She. An Instagram friend shared a couple screenshots of the email you wrote for Blessed Is She on her IG Story, and I felt like God was speaking to me through that. I had JUST gotten confirmation that, yet again, pregnancy was a big fat NO this month. I asked her to forward me the email so I could have it to read whenever I wanted, and it was through there that I came here. You have no idea how encouraging your story is to me. While our journey is not nearly as long as yours, conceiving seems like it is not something that will come easy to us. This sentence: “I think there’s a certain type of strength that persists in your heart when you know you’re meant to be a mother” really resonates with me. I have felt, “Why would God put the desire to be a mother on my heart if I won’t ever be one?” And then I’ve almost let the thought seep in, “Is this desire even from God?” But then I know those thoughts are ridiculous, especially that last one. I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I have remembered. I remember at 3 years old when my mom was pregnant with my brother….I called him “Thumper” in utero (I was obsessed with the Bambi movie at the time) and I think that’s when my fascination with pregnancy began. At age 8 I wrote in our homeschool yearbook that I wanted to be a mom and a violin teacher when I grew up. I’ve achieve the latter and moved on to other career aspirations, but the former is SO much more important to me. Even to just see that + or two lines on a pregnancy test would put me over the moon. But we have never even gotten that far. It can be draining, but I will do what you said….follow that longing for “someday.” Thank you and God bless you!! People like you point me toward HOPE.

    1. Oh, sweet sister, I’m so sorry for the unrequited longing in your heart. I know that very feeling, and I know the emotional toll it takes on a person month-after-month. There were so many times I wanted to stop trying altogether, to throw up my hands and give up. In fact, the year we finally conceived was to be out very last year of trying. I had decided that I just couldn’t do it anymore. But you know what? God is good, and miracles still happen. Hold onto that hope, my friend. You have not been forgotten. ❤️

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