The solitary darkness gripped at the light as my feet echoed down that dimly lit corridor. It was a summery sort of night, the kind that bellows in relief after inflicting inferno down upon the earth. And with the night, I let out my own small sigh in hopeful longing for sleep to soon find me. But first, the mail!
The reverberation from my footsteps halted as the jostling of my keys soon cluttered the empty hallway instead. And then, there it was. That lonely piece of mail sat there glaring back at me, producing its own type of reverberation on my heart. I knew what it was, sure. And my curious fingers, they flirted with the edge of the seal, lightly pulling it up and then smoothing it back down again. But I couldn’t. And it was late. And surely the early morning sun would make things right. So, there it rested in the dark of night, on the counter waiting for light.
But the morning sun brought with it no relief from the darkness billowing down deep in the pit of my stomach, and my inquisitive fingers were still just as curious as the night before. So, I began to grasp at the edges of the darkness tucked away inside of that orange envelope until I uncovered it: the surgery instructions for my laparoscopy. And suddenly I was swimming in new lab orders and insurance jargon and who the heck is paying for all of this?!
And then the tears. Oh, the tears, they flowed down deep into that darkness until that darkness was a fiery red. Anger. It coursed through my bones with newfound fervor as my eyes quickly vacillated between words like “pain” and “incision” and “stitches.” Because WHY? Haven’t we given this fight enough? And all of those prayers, have they fallen on deaf ears? So much of me wanted to run. To run away in resentment. To run away into darkness. And for a time, I did. I wallowed in that darkness as those angry tears stormed down my hardened cheeks. Because this infertility, it just isn’t fair, is it?
But there’s a thing that happens once the tears run dry and that anger begins to dissipate. Because light, He gently pursues all of those tiny shadows on our hearts, nudging us down the sunlit road when we so desperately cling in despair to the shade. And sometimes it’s only in the midst of the storm that you see Him there — waiting, calling, nudging you through. Because there IS light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes all we need to do is take that first step. So, this is my step.
Wondering what a laparoscopy is? That’s okay. I barely know how to pronounce it, either. It’s a minor surgery used to diagnose and treat endometriosis. It is one of the many steps we are taking to “cure” our infertility using NaPro Technology.
Have you had this surgery before? Oh, PLEASE share your wisdom. Any and all advice is welcome.