The Final Fight

At that moment, on that night, I etched a line in the sand. And there it rested, that line and me, full of bitter ache and partial surrender. And, oh, I don’t know. I suppose I did it because of the absurdity of it all — the crazy diets and incessant waiting. Always waiting. But really, it was the chronic frustration that did me in. Because how long must I sacrifice that delightly fluffy donut for gluten-free cardboard? How long must I relinquish my paycheck to vitamins and organic and grass fed? How long must the guilt gnaw at my brain after drinking from a plastic water bottle? And is any of this even helping?

Anything?

Anything?

Nothing.

Typical.

 

And there it is, that line in the sand. Bold. Decisive. Final. I had danced around it for quite some time, always lightly chiseling it out and then allowing my feet to kick up the loose gravel in order to fill it back in. Fight. Surrender. Fight. Surrender. But not this time. No. Because this line, this line has been scissored into my heart. And there will be no capitulation because this… this is it. This is my one last battle cry. My “give it all you got.” My “all in.” And after it’s over? Well, I suppose we’ll cross that rugged, old bridge when it comes.

 

But I need this… WE need this — a foreseeable end to the madness and guilt stricken world of infertility. And, I assure you, this will not end without a fight. It will be the most ambitious and gutsy fight you ever did see. Scissorkicks to the face, blows below the belt. That sort of thing. Because if after all of this is over, my arms are still burdened with the weight of this longing, I want to know, truly know, that I gave it all. That I fought for you. REALLY fought for you.

 

And so it begins: September 1, 2015, with a run of engagement lasting for one long and tenacious year. And this time when my doctor says, “no gluten,” I will scarf down those gluten-free bagels with as much enthusiasm as my tastebuds will allow — dairy-free cream cheese and all!


But here’s the thing, it’s only AUGUST 20! And, trust me, we are well aware of the precious time we still have with gluten… and dairy, and refined sugar, and plastic, and phthalates (so long, Fructis! You’ve been a cheap option for mousse in my time of need). So, David did what most husbands would naturally do. He took me on a gluten-infused date…

 

…where we ate…

Menu

…GLUTEN!

NaPro Technology for Infertility 2And tried to be “artistic” (apparently I’m horrible at focusing the camera).

David---artisticAnd apparently David is quite good at it!

Brit1And we got in the way of walkable traffic because…

Me1…we were having fun taking obnoxious pictures.

Me2And then David said, “make a face.” So… yeah.

Faces1

Faces3

Faces4

And then things got all “hipster” all of a sudden.

NaPro Technology for Infertility 1

…especially when we slipped into this speakeasy.

David---Bar

…which I would tell you about, but then I’d have to… well, we won’t go there.

Bar

NaPro Technology for Infertility

So, here’s to you, infertility. You’re going down hard.


If you’re interested in learning about what form of infertility treatment we have selected, you can read more about it here and here.

And if you have any good gluten-free, dairy-free, refined sugar-free recipes, help a girl out and send them my way!

9 thoughts on “The Final Fight

  1. I hear everything you’re saying. You speak my mind. The diet can be an extra source of stress that definitely doesn’t help. I have found I’m highly sensitive to corn as well, so no gluten-free goodies for me! The hardest part for me isn’t even in the waiting. It’s in the uncertainty. If I knew it would make a difference, it would be worth it. But not knowing is the worst. Solidarity! #teamnapro

    1. YES! Not knowing is THE worst. So much sacrifice for little/no results. I feel you, my friend. Solidarity, indeed. #FistBump

    1. Ohhhh, we still have a couple more days!! I hope you enjoy copious amounts of waffles and frozen yogurt in these last few days!! 🙂

  2. I can SO relate. “Because if after all of this is over, my arms are still burdened with the weight of this longing, I want to know, truly know, that I gave it all. That I fought for you. REALLY fought for you.” Oh my gosh. You said it so perfectly. Best of luck to you! <3

    1. That line, right there, was the hardest thing for me to write. Even after combing through the post for mistakes multiple times, that line continually brought tears to my eyes. It was my final goodbye to all of this madness and the sudden realization that I might not ever meet this little person I’ve been dreaming about for so long.

      I’m so sorry to know that you relate to this anguish. Prayers for you, my friend. You are not alone.

  3. This post moved me deeply. I will be praying for you so hard in the next year. May God’s peace reign in your heart.

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